Caroline Deacon
Journalist and author based in Scotland, UK

Time to talk about sex

A government-commissioned report recommends that children as young as five should have regular classroom lessons about sex and relationships. Is this something we should welcome, or are we in danger of destroying our children’s innocence? Caroline Deacon investigates.

Children are exposed to sex from a very young age whether we like it or not.

No matter how carefully you restrict your child’s access to TV or Internet, he will encounter sexual imagery everywhere. Billboards, trailers for forthcoming programmes, covers of magazines – opportunities are endless. On top of this, daily events will raise in his mind. Why do Mummy and Daddy have different bodies? Why does that woman have a large tummy? Why are those people kissing? If you hope to protect your child until you think he’s “ready”, you face a losing battle.

Children are not born predisposed to see sex as particularly special. It’s no more interesting than electricity or puddles or any other fascinating topic. It’s our culture which teaches children that sex has a snigger factor. You can’t single-handedly make sex a neutral topic; what’s important instead is to establish acceptable behaviour, and to ensure that home is a place where it’s ok to ask .

“We live in a highly sexualised society, where sex is used to sell everything,” says Rebecca Findlay, Communications Officer for the FPA (formerly Family Planning Association). They offer Speakeasy courses throughout the UK, helping parents to talk to their kids about sex. “We concentrate on behaviour and choices, on helping children negotiate the minefield. Parents of children six months through teenage come, and they feedback that the communication skills help in other areas too.”

How to explain sex to your child

You don’t need to sit your kids down and tell them “the facts of life” Instead handle topics as and when they arise naturally. Try to be aware of what is likely to embarrass you so you can prepare, although are often unexpected. If your child never asks, then introduce topics as and when they’re relevant – a friend having a baby, a visit to the zoo and so on. Don’t think this is a one off discussion though. arise time and again, and children forget things and need to ask again.

Little white lies are not acceptable for any serious topic really. Storks, gooseberry bushes – all these are out. However you don’t need to go into graphic detail. Just tell your child as much as you feel she can handle at that point. Some can be answered very briefly or if you feel it’s completely inappropriate, then distract her onto something else.

At every stage it is important to emphasise the relationship aspect of sex. This way your child will understand from an early age that they have a choice, and that feelings, not mechanics, are important.  Your approach – open and engaged – is essential as you want to establish home as one place they can ask .

Consider too what sort of example you and your partner are setting. Are you physically affectionate in front of your children? Your children will learn about respect and affection between adults from your example. Incidentally once your child is out of a cot it is time to start talking about closed doors being private. Knock on your child’s bedroom door and they will learn to do the same for you.

Using appropriate language

The language you use is very important; language acquisition is part of the development of thought in your child. It is easier for him to hold a concept in his mind if he has a word for it.

Use words you feel comfortable for your child to use. So don’t use slang, but don’t use anatomically correct words either. You don’t want your child shouting about her vagina in the supermarket. Childhood euphemisms are fine – we talk about tummies not intestines; in the same way you can say bottom instead of anus, willy instead of penis. You also need to decide on an acceptable name for girl’s sexual organs. Leaving them nameless suggests that girls have no sexual organs or that they’re not important. Personally I use the word fanny with my children, which I feel has a connotation similar to willy.

When talking about the sexual act, again use age appropriate vocabulary. So “mummies and daddies have a special cuddle” is fine early on, “eggs and seeds” will have meaning for your child.

Children love smutty talk. For them, it is about coming to terms with the meaning their bodies have in society. Smutty talk is understandable, but needs to be kept in rein. Establish rules and boundaries. For instance bottom jokes are ok in your own bedroom but not at the table. Poo talk will upset Granny, but Mummy turns a blind eye to the occasional joke.  Incidentally, a very useful phrase to use from now on is “bottoms are private.” This is a rule which not only sets boundaries, but is also starting to put protection in place for your children.

Smutty talk from visiting children needs to be handled in the same way as you might handle other bad behaviour. “We don’t use that word here, Michael”. If your child comes home with a really offensive word or phrase, try to find out where they heard it and follow this up if necessary. Again be calm and set limits. “That word is not nice, we don’t use it.”

How much control do you have over what your child hears at school?

Current thinking is that it’s better for children to have information about sex. There is no research evidence to back the claim that teaching sex at school encourages sexual activity; indeed statistics suggest that sex education at school leads to lower teenage pregnancy rates. A survey of 19,000 British men found that those who had learnt about sex at school were less likely to have had sex under age than those whose main source of information had been media and friends.

Sex and relationships education (SRE) comes under PSHE (personal, social and health education). It is not mandatory, though all schools must make available a policy describing the content of SRE, or a statement about their decision not to provide this. Parents can opt out, though less than 1% do. The mechanics of sex –anatomy and biology -  must be taught as part of the National Curriculum in England and Wales, with no opt out option. 

The problem is that many parents believe schools are going to be teaching their children the facts of life, although interestingly enough, children think it should be their parents who are the main source of information. It’s important that you ask the school what they are going to say so that you are in tune. Don’t leave it up to the school to do everything – the dialogue needs to be happening at home too.

Q&A

My child is the result of assisted conception; how do I answer his ?

might feel painful for you, but your child has no preconceptions, so try to be matter of fact. You can start with “A doctor helped Daddy put a seed in Mummy’s tummy” and develop it from there. The organisation ACebabies - www.acebabes.co.uk has lots of ideas about parenting an assisted conception baby.

My child is asking about homosexuality – there are gay weddings in the paper and one of his friends at school has “two mummies”.

Children can accept readily homosexuality – after all they have close friendships with children of both sexes, but they quickly learn from their peers to condemn. Try to avoid value judgements yourself as they will get plenty of these elsewhere. You will not predispose your child to be gay by being neutral or even positive about homosexuality, but given that 17% of the population are gay, your child may be one of those who need positive messages from home.

I am a single parent – how do I explain to my child where she came from?

Say that all children have Daddies, even if their Daddy isn’t there now. It is important that your daughter does not grow up to feel it is her fault that her Daddy isn’t there – a common reaction, so you will need to be clear about why he isn’t part of her life now.
You might like to get involved with Gingerbread www.gingerbread.org.uk

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© Caroline Deacon
article appeared in Right Start July/ August 2006