Caroline Deacon
Journalist and author based in Scotland, UK

Readers' comments and suggestions

Hi Caroline,

I am a new mom of a beautiful girl who is now 15 months old. She does cry many times when I put her down for her nap. Our paediatrician said it is ok to let your baby cry for up to 20 minutes before going back to her room to comfort her and try to get her to nap. What are your ideas on this? Is 20 minutes too long? At this point, when I put her down for her nap, she won't cry at all--she is sleepy or pre-occupied with her blanket or crib toys. On other occasions, like today, she was fine in the crib --then when I left the room and shut the door, she started crying---she has been crying for about a full 5-7 minutes. What is your suggestion? It is rare that she cries for more than 7 minutes at this point. You were very adamant in your book about responding promptly. I love your Teach Yourself book on child development--it was wonderful and I have re-read it several times. I keep it by my nightstand and my husband has read it also. It really gave me answers--I had no idea what I was doing. Once I read it, I felt empowered and far more confident as a mom. My daughter and I have really bonded and I feel very positive that our mutual attachment is healthy and gets stronger every day.

Thank you. Temi Bova, Loudonville, NY

Hi there Temi

Are we talking about daytime naps here? Is it possible that she just does not want them any more? My son stopped his daytime naps really early on, certainly within his second year; he has never needed a lot of sleep. For my second son though, if sleeping were an Olympic sport, he would be up for a gold!
Sounds like she is happy to chill out and be quiet, but would rather you were around so she could relax. If you are feeling ok about this, perhaps you would like to sit in her room and do some quiet work, or even chill out yourself? I would get my emails done for instance? Do come back to me - have you seen my book Babycalming by the way? This is all about sleep and crying. I would also recommend Dr Sears book The baby sleep book.

Cheers Caroline Deacon

Yes, we are talking about daytime naps. We adopted Jennie from Guatemala. We brought her home when she was 10 months. At that time, she was taking a morning snooze: from around 10 am to 11 am, but very sporadically--she would want to be held in our arms mostly while dozing. Since I found that very tiring for me physically, I would take her out in the stroller for a long walk. She would zone out and then fall asleep sometimes for about 45 minutes. 
Gradually, I weaned her off the morning nap. I found it hard to be limited in my activities in the morning as well as the afternoon. Now, when we are out driving around in the car running errands, she may snooze for 5--15 minutes occasionally. It is rare that she sleeps more than that--I think I can count only 1-2 times that has happened since the end of the morning nap.
So our routine is that she has lunch anywhere from 11.30 am to 12.30 pm. Then we play or I read to her or she watches Barney after lunch --- when I notice her rubbing her eyes or pulling her hair, I know that is the signal for naptime. Usually by 1 pm, I put her down for a nap. If she does not seem at all sleepy and wants to play, I will let her go until 1.20-1.30 and then put her down. Most of the time she is fine--I lay her down, put her blanket over her--we play a little with the blankets and then I leave the room. She may chat to herself for a while. Other times, though she will cry and hold up her arms for me and call out Mommy. If I stay in the room without taking her out of the crib, the crying escalates. So I leave asap. If she is still crying after 20 minutes, I go back up and get her out of the crib, take her down and hold her or play, etc.
Am I doing the right thing, letting her cry for 20 minutes? Is this too long? I really don't want to stay in the room with her because she does not want to stay in the crib and I hate to admit it but I need some time to lay down in the afternoon to re-charge my batteries!! Is there anything else I can do?

Temi

Hi there

I think your situation is really unique and perhaps calls for unique solutions?
It is wonderful that you have adopted Jennie and given her a chance for a fresh start now. However from her perspective, she is likely to be incredibly unsure and have attachment issues at first. So it is so understandable that she might cry when you leave the room; how does she know, that this person who she now loves, will appear again when she needs her? Perhaps you will never appear again - it has happened to her before.
All the research on bonding and attachment suggests that the more you respond to your baby's needs in the early months and years, the more independent, secure and happy they will be. At the moment she needs to know that you are not going to walk out of her life. Sometimes she can trust you and is happy for you to leave the room, but sometimes, she has a little pang and thinks, oh perhaps she won't come back, and then she wants you to stay. All this is completely understandable and known in the research. In chapter nine I talk about different types of insecure attachment; the typical response to adoption of this sort, at this type of age, would be the inconsistent response (leading to Enmeshed adult) - I am not saying you are inconsistent, but her experience of being parented was inconsistent.
You can undo this by being consistent now, showing you love her and will not leave her, as long as she needs. So my response would be, and remember I am just one person so you don't need to take my word as gospel!! - I would say don't let her cry over things like being left. Understand where she is coming from and respond to her as you would like to respond to yourself if you were feeling like that.
I think everything you are doing is fine, and do carry on doing it, but I would suggest on the days she does not want you to leave, and she cries, that you respond. Cuddle, sing, whatever she wants, and perhaps stay in her room. Could you perhaps have a mattress in her room and lie down on it on the occasions she does not want you to leave? By all means she can come out of the crib, but if you stay on the floor "asleep" she may then relax and curl up next to you, or somewhere else, or simply accept that you are asleep and leave you alone. This may take a few days of doing? I think it is about "telling" her that it is sleepy time, but you have not disappeared. With luck over time she will be able to relax and sleep. Try not to get too worked up about the fact that she is not settling, and is perhaps crawling all over you while you "sleep" - it really will pass in time. The main thing is:
1. She needs to know you have not disappeared but also
2. You both need to recharge your batteries after lunch. This cannot really be negotiated, so if you take her out of the room and go off and do exciting things instead, she will struggle against the need to sleep. So try spending a few weeks getting that message across without abandoning her.
3. As another point, I would suggest you don't let her sleep too long in the afternoon, It is good to get a pattern going. There is a bit about this in Babycalming, but basically she needs a bit of a sleep  routine and she needs to have a regular sleep/ wake time in 24 hours.

HTH Caroline

Please let me know how this goes! I would like to know whether it works or not. We are all struggling in the dark as mothers, remember, but you are not alone.