Caroline Deacon
Journalist and author based in Scotland, UK

Readers' comments and suggestions

Dear Caroline,

I am 38 years old and have three children 11yrs, 10yrs, and 5mths.

With my two boys they went straight in to a Moses basket, feed and slept without any traumas, believing that I was doing the best thing for them.
Had my baby girl and because it had just come easy to put the boys to sleep in the cot, this was what I had planed to do with her.

God love her from the moment she was born she did not want to leave me, she needed to feel close, any human contact, mainly me because I was feeding, I could not put her in a cot she would cry, this felt so scary, as soon as I dropped the control and listened to my heart it became easy, we sleep together and are together most of the time, and I have enjoyed this, and love it, so much so it makes me cry. I am so thankful that she was able to show me what she needed,
if only I had been so receptive with the boys!!!

Still now I am in a dilemma because I need to financially go back to work, this is going to be so traumatic for both of us, I am lucky in that I can work 4.pm till10.p.m
My problem is that she has not learnt to go to sleep without the breast in her mouth and will not take a bottle, I have been putting off the thinking and doing something about it for so long hoping it would go away, that it is going to be cruel to her if I leave it any longer, she needs to start learn to fall asleep on her own feeling comfortable and safe, how do I achieve this? Also getting her to take a bottle, these are two massive steps for such a beautiful young baby, please help me.

Yours,

Lesley Twitchen.

Caroline Deacon replies   Dear Lesley –
It is great that you have felt able to respond to your baby's needs so far. One thing that research shows is that the more you respond to your baby's need for closeness at this stage, the more independent she will be as gets older.
Five months is still very young to expect babies to be independent - you don't say exactly when you are going back to work, but things may well change quite quickly over the next few months without your intervention. It will also depend on who is responsible for putting her to bed. If it is someone she knows and trusts she may well accept different forms of comforting from them, especially when you are not there. If the alternative carer is sensitive and comforting, willing to say rock and cuddle her to sleep, she may be just as happy with this.
It is a good idea though, to start finding other ways of letting her go to sleep rather than just the breast. Rocking, singing, swaying, hot baths, cuddles - all these may help, and these are things another person can do.
In the next few weeks before your return to work, try to introduce some of these other strategies. Feed her as usual, but stop the feed before she falls deeply asleep (you could feed her somewhere different, like in the sitting room with lights on say) and try some of the other strategies above.

As to taking the bottle - if she has never had a bottle and refuses it now, she may not need it. You can go straight to a trainer cup for other fluids. How about though, feeding her before you go, and then feeding her again when you return - and allowing someone else to comfort her while you are away? She wil not need a feed in those hours you are away, and she will probably quickly accept this once it has happened a few times.
you might like to look at my book Babycalming, but also the Fussy Baby book or the Baby Sleep book , both of which were written by Dr Sears and Sears, and edited by me. All available from this website.
Hope this helps
Caroline