Babycalming - Introduction – Why the three step plan works

The arrival of a first baby throws everything into chaos. If you were starting a new job you would expect some sort of training, but new parents are thrown straight in at the deep end ‑ you alone are entirely responsible for this baby, and he comes without a manual!

What you need

You are probably used to running your life around the clock; you expect to do certain things in a certain order – you have a routine. You would like your baby to fit into a routine as well, so that life can be predictable, manageable.

You probably also want your baby to be happy -  to feed easily and sleep well. If he cries, you want it to be obvious what he needs. You have a busy life – you hope that your baby will fit into that lifestyle relatively easily.

However, many babies do not appear to behave like this; they cry without reason, they sleep in fits and starts, they want to feed all the time. They don’t seem to have an internal clock and they show no interest in the clock on the wall!

What your baby needs

Your baby spent his first nine months being held, rocked, moved around – in constant contact with his Mum so he could hear her heartbeat, her voice; feel the warmth of her body and the sensation of being held tightly. He expected things to continue like this after birth; being in constant contact with another human being, feeling warm, snug and secure. If he thinks has been abandoned, he cries – a response that has evolved over millions of years to make sure a responsible adult picks him up and keeps him safe. If he is hungry, uncomfortable, tired – he will cry.

How to make your baby happy

A psychologist called Maslow pointed out that in order for human beings to be fulfilled, reach their potential and enjoy life - “reach self-actualisation” is how he put it, they need to have their basic needs met. You can’t sit and concentrate on a book or film if you are hungry, thirsty or need the toilet. Great philosophy will pass you by if you are homeless and worried about your safety.

Babies are like that too – if their basic needs are not met, they cannot be happy and secure, and although there are lots of similarities between adult needs and baby needs, there are differences too.

We all need to have enough to eat and drink, and we need to have times to rest and sleep. We all need to feel safe – for grown ups that might mean that the rent or mortgage is paid or perhaps that we are not under threat of war – but for your baby, feelings about safety are a little different. Babies expect adults to fend off danger, so for him, safety is about human companionship. If there is a reliable grown up nearby, then he can relax.

So to have a happy baby, you need to fulfil three basic needs, and you can think of this as three steps:

• Food
• Comfort
• Sleep

Over time, the way you meet these needs change, and this book explains how you can fulfil your baby’s needs appropriately at each stage. In addition, the balance of these needs change too, over time.

This is perhaps one of the most difficult things to grasp in parenting – the rules change all the time, and what worked today will no longer be appropriate tomorrow. Where we often go wrong is in thinking that methods stay constant.

For instance, feeding a baby whenever he is hungry, day or night, is perfectly appropriate at two weeks, but is no longer appropriate at two years. Sharing your bedroom if not your bed with a baby of five weeks is safe and easy; sharing your bed with a five year old is less easy, sharing your bed with a fifteen year old would certainly be odd! Responding the instant your baby cries when he is little is kindest, responding to a toddler who is yelling for sweets is perhaps not kind in the long run.

You can have a happy baby, who smiles a lot and does not seem at odds with you; if you fulfil his basic needs.  Your baby will make demands; the baby who is overly placid, always content, is unfortunately often the baby who is not thriving. A healthy baby makes his presence felt; makes demands –cries. But if you work within his needs, you and he will have plenty of positive time together. This does not mean endless self-sacrifice on your behalf; hopefully your needs and your baby’s needs do not fundamentally conflict - nature has designed a system that should work in harmony.

Routines

It is possible and in fact probably desirable to get your baby into a routine; the important thing is to do this at the appropriate time and with a schedule that is appropriate to your baby, so that your needs and your baby’s needs are not in conflict.

What this book can do for you.

This book is different. Some books cast you loose, tell you to trust your instincts and leave you to get on with it. If anything they hope that if you respond to your baby all the time without question, he will eventually just evolve into the kind of child that you would like him to be. Most parents need more reassurance and guidance than that.

The other approach, which is more popular at the moment, is to impose on your baby a rigid schedule from the day he is born, but unless you and your baby happen to suit this particular schedule, you are probably both going to be unhappy with it. If it does work for you, the chances are that this is the schedule or routine you would both have evolved anyway!

There is a middle way, which is to understand your baby’s needs, respond to them appropriately, and to introduce the routines and boundaries your child will need – but at the appropriate times and in a way that does not fundamentally conflict with your baby’s needs. This book shows you what is appropriate and when. It tells you how to respond to each need at each stage of your baby’s life. All of this information and advice is based on research evidence; hopefully there is very little that is simply the personal opinion of the author. Enjoy your baby, knowing that you are doing what suits you both!

Caroline Deacon